Google Weddings: Because Google Knows You Better Than Your Maid Of Honor Anyways
It’s not a terribly new service by any means, but Google has just launched (?) this web page which gives users a broad view of the various services Google provides that you can use to plan your wedding. Now, of course, normally, you don’t tend to associate a search/software company with wedding planning, but it totally makes sense! Consider! Google Docs for handling seating arrangements detailing who’s got unnecessary drama with who! Or Picnik, an online image editor owned by Google for creating cookie-cutter invitations! And that’s just the beginning!
Google, being the internet company that specializes in organizing information and making it universally usable knows the importance of knowing what your significant other is thinking. That’s why they’ve announced Google Cold Feet. If your bride and/or groom are having second thoughts, Google’s predictive algorithms will send you an alert to your Android device. No syncing with your lover required! You can also set it up to alert your friends as to what’s up. This saves valuable awkward standing-at-the-altar-waiting-for-a-bride-that-isn’t-coming time. One simple alert and everyone can move on to the reception hall! Simple.
There’s also Google Father of the Bride. In the early days of marriage, a father giving his daughter away would have to threaten the groom if any harm should ever come to his precious little girl personally. Google makes it easy with this web app for a father to issue any threats, veiled threats, passive aggressive threats, or public humiliations straight from the browser. Google is also working hard to open up the Father of the Bride APIs so that family members can also plug in directly to Google’s Threat Servers and upload their own threats. Google is really excited to see what developers do with this.
And finally, perhaps most innovative of all, is Google Virgin. Google can now aggregate data from your Android device’s messages, chats, etc., and—using their patented algorithms—calculate whether the bride should be wearing white, or if perhaps a red dress would be more appropriate.
This last feature has caused a lot of controversy. Eric Schmidt had to say on the matter “If there’s information about your virginity you’d rather not be made public, maybe you shouldn’t have ever had sex in the first place.”