Like Your Real Band, Guitar Hero Finally Disbands
The year was 1991. Senior year. You and your buddies had nothing but a guitar, some drums, an amp, and a ton of passion. You guys decided “Screw it. Let’s do it!” You guys were gonna finally form that band that you’d been pretending you were in since you were 8. You started signing up to do gigs in grungy warehouses and hole-in-the-wall venues. You got rejected from every single one. Your demo tapes were sent back to you sealed in biohazard bags. Despite the promise that playing guitar makes you a hit with the ladies, you still failed to get a girlfriend.
By the turn of the millenium, it was game over. “You’re 27 years old, for crying out loud!” your friends would tell you. “Isn’t it high time you got a real job and stopped mooching off your parents?” You decided that was probably a good idea, since your parents died two years ago. You got a job at Wal-Mart, moved out of the basement and traded in your old Les Paul and all your gear for about $300. You lost money on that deal.
Then, in 2005, as you trudged away from your 5-year employee ceremony at the store you’d pledged your life to, selling out to become a corporate shill for The Man, you noticed a new product sitting in the electronics section. “Guitar Hero”? Holy crap, this looks awesome! It comes with a guitar (missed that feel in your hands), and a bunch of songs from real people (well covers anyways)! Oh, that sure would be nice. You may have given up your dreams long ago and been drifting through life ever since, but at least you could still feel like a rock star! So you took the only significant amount of money you’ve ever held in your entire life and immediately blew it on a used game console and a plastic guitar.
It turns out you were only a mediocre game player, though. You tried out for a couple competitions, practiced really hard and even let your personal hygiene go down the toilet. You’re dedicated. You’re gonna win back your dignity! Then there will be time for showers! The pinnacle of your Guitar Hero career came when you finally got third place in a Guitar Hero competition at your local comic book store. There were a few people that clapped when you made it through that one solo! You’d never felt so alive!
Oh yeah, your boss called. You’re fired.
But it’s ok. You have your Third Place certificate from Mr. Special’s Comics Shop. And you finally achieved your dream of playing in front of an audience. Granted “playing” consisted of playing a guitar-shaped game instead of an actual guitar. And “an audience” consisted of the D&D guild that was playing a game on the tables in the other room, the shop’s owner, and his cute daughter that you’ve kinda had a crush on for the last three years. She ended up making out with the first place winner after the competition. But still! You were living the significantly-lowered-standards dream!
Then February 9th, 2011 rolled around. And Activision announced they’re ending the Guitar Hero franchise. You’re still weeping as you read this.
You wipe the snot and tears from your face, reach into your bag of Doritos and decide that now, at the ripe old age of 38, it’s time to turn your attention to the other great game: women.
Right after you watch this Dr. Who rerun.