HP CEO: “HP Has Lost Its Soul”

The full text of a speech HP CEO Leo Apotheker gave to the company follows:

“Ladies and gentlemen,

……Gah. I’m just so sad, you know?

Some of you guys have been saying how you’re worried about me. And yeah, by “me” I mean, “the company”, but, come on. Like any of you could really understand what it’s like to be CEO. And, you know, I don’t want to worry you. It’s not like I matter to you or anything. I could probably fall off the face of the earth, or bleed out in my bathtub and no one would notice. But anyways, yeah. You’re worried.

Well, the truth is, you should be. HP has lost its soul. My heart aches. Wretched, bleeding torment. Could you even know, with your shallow, desperate vanity, the ageless trauma my spirit suffers? It is gone, like the feel of a first kiss disappearing from your lips the moment you pull away, saying “Thanks for letting me practice, Amy, for the day someone really loves me, like, for real.”

I’d like to die. I really would. And I accept my fate willingly. What is there left in the world for a CEO of a company that makes laptops? None. The earth has sold its soul to the demigods of industrial design and pretty packages. The blacksheep have no place here anymore. And, so, there is nothing left but the final escape. The greatest adventure a brave and tortured pioneer like myself can pursue. I bid you all a fond adieu.”


At this point the CEO pulled a bottle of pills from his pocket and proceeded to pull a number out and attempt to consume them on stage, shouting “Don’t try and stop me!” It was later revealed the CEO was holding four Advil. He’s currently taking two months off before returning to HP, citing “personal reasons” such as “I just can’t face living anymore.”

The board of directors has already called his mom.


Posted on March 9, 2011, in Companies and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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