Category Archives: Companies
“Welcome To Foxconn. Here’s Your Benefits Package, Your Badge, And If You Could Just Sign This Anti-Suicide Pact…”
Want a job at Foxconn? Well, then you guys better promise that you’re not gonna kill yourselves, mmkay? Or, at the very least, can you please promise that if you do kill yourselves, or attempt to kill yourselves, but are caught in one of Foxconn’s fine anti-suicide nets, that you will promise not to sue Foxconn or hold it liable for your dishonorable attempt to shirk your duties.
In all seriousness, though, frankly I don’t understand why more menial work places don’t have this kind of policy. Perhaps a policy that if you slip into a state of severe depression, you can’t request psychotherapy. Or a policy that if you decide to go on a murderous rampage, you agree that it was due to your own psychopathy and not because of a fundamental and hate-filled disagreement with the policies of the institution you work for.
Also, a policy that you will never attempt to comply with the PC Load Letter error message on a printer by the use of a baseball bat.
In a move that is nothing short of unprecedented, unbelievable, and shocking, a large wireless carrier is purchasing a smaller wireless carrier. Said Gandalf the Grey on the issue: “Something is about to happen that has not happened in an age.” Whispers and legends have been told of such mergers of the gods, but none have ever been seen by the likes of man.
We talked to a Verizon CEO who had this to say:
“We’ve just never seen something like this happen before. It changes everything, really. We need to discuss it with the board of directors, but we may simply close up shop and let all of our customers know they should just head to AT&T. Unless we can find a strategy to fight this, we won’t have much choice. And, though I hate to be premature, I don’t think we will.”
AllTel, who was also on the phone, seconded Verizon’s feelings on the matter.
Meanwhile, Sprint was a little more optimistic:
We’re excited about the possibilities of this upcoming acquisition. Up until this point, we were able to tell our customers that, while we may not be as big as Verizon or AT&T, we’re still the third best and head and shoulders above T-Mobile, the only other national carrier worth mentioning. Now we don’t have that. We are the bottom rung. We’re excited to see how this is going to light a fire under our feet. We look forward to pushing forward with all the forward momentum we can move forward.
Nextel merely stood in the corner and shook its head.
One thing is clear, though. This move will change the industry forever. In what is surely a never-before-experienced-phenomenon, AT&T will become the largest telecom in a particular field. The implications of this alone are so far reaching that the U.S. market may never be the same. Said one
Cingular AT&T executive on the subject:
It’s a little overwhelming, going from being the underdog to being the top of your field. It’s like “Whoa, just last year, no one listened to anything I say, and now everyone wants to know what we’re gonna do next. We’re the center of attention, and not only that, for the first time we actually have money to do all the cool and exciting things that you don’t get to do when you’re building cell phone towers in your garage. It’s a really exciting time and I’m looking forward to seeing what we can do.
For our parts, we at AD were surprised when the executive used the words “like” and “whoa”, though we probably shouldn’t be. It seems to be a trend of all the hip, up-and-coming, boy-wonder CEOs to continue to speak in the layman, even in official statements.
And, of course, the question on everyone’s mind is how will this affect the iPhone. Will future versions of the iPhone be available to what are currently T-Mobile customers? We reached out to Steve Jobs for comment. He punched us in the stomach and charged us $300 for the privilege. We happily paid, as it was the most intuitive, user-friendly beating we’d ever received.
“Ladies and gentlemen,
……Gah. I’m just so sad, you know?
Some of you guys have been saying how you’re worried about me. And yeah, by “me” I mean, “the company”, but, come on. Like any of you could really understand what it’s like to be CEO. And, you know, I don’t want to worry you. It’s not like I matter to you or anything. I could probably fall off the face of the earth, or bleed out in my bathtub and no one would notice. But anyways, yeah. You’re worried.
Well, the truth is, you should be. HP has lost its soul. My heart aches. Wretched, bleeding torment. Could you even know, with your shallow, desperate vanity, the ageless trauma my spirit suffers? It is gone, like the feel of a first kiss disappearing from your lips the moment you pull away, saying “Thanks for letting me practice, Amy, for the day someone really loves me, like, for real.”
I’d like to die. I really would. And I accept my fate willingly. What is there left in the world for a CEO of a company that makes laptops? None. The earth has sold its soul to the demigods of industrial design and pretty packages. The blacksheep have no place here anymore. And, so, there is nothing left but the final escape. The greatest adventure a brave and tortured pioneer like myself can pursue. I bid you all a fond adieu.”
At this point the CEO pulled a bottle of pills from his pocket and proceeded to pull a number out and attempt to consume them on stage, shouting “Don’t try and stop me!” It was later revealed the CEO was holding four Advil. He’s currently taking two months off before returning to HP, citing “personal reasons” such as “I just can’t face living anymore.”
The board of directors has already called his mom.