Fox News And Sexting; Guys, I Thought We Talked About This?

*sigh*

I really don’t want to become that guy. Fox News is an easy target. Really, it doesn’t take much skill to make fun of them. To wit: Fox News takes on sexting. I could stop this article here, and I will have done my job of making you laugh. But let’s take a look through this, shall we?

The article begins by talking about the brave new world of technology we find ourselves in. Ooh! Fox is going to talk about Groupon? Maybe foursquare? Netflix? No, texting. And it’s alter ego: sexy texting. Or sexting. As the kids are calling it these days. By the way, kids? Don’t sext. Ever. Seriously.

Fox then goes on to put forth the most pointless persuasive argument that has ever been set in HTML: convince you that sending sexy messages and pictures can be fun. You might also be interested in their ten-page report on how cookies taste good, sunny weather is more pleasing than bad weather, and a scatching expose on the dangers of fire to the human skin. Did you know fire is hot?! Check out the story for more.

But just in case you’re over 18 and haven’t hit puberty yet, here’s a couple choice reasons for why using technology for sex might be a thing you want to do:

The embarrassment factor is removed because you don’t have to see the person while you’re typing your naughty thoughts.

I don’t know what the big deal is. I type naughty things to people while I’m face to face with them all the time. Seems to work out ok. It is perhaps a bit more inefficient than just saying them, I’ll admit. I suppose that just adds to the excitement, though.

And perhaps my favorite:

It brings the fun back to sex. It’s not supposed to be so serious after all.

Yes. That’s right. Fox News, along with the power of technology, is going to help you put the fun back in sex. Because sex isn’t fun anymore. Just one of the many problems technology solves.

But! Saying things and sending pictures are not the only things you need to do to be sexy on the intertexts. You need acronyms.

Here are a few of the more common sexting acronyms:
GYPO: Get Your Pants Off
IAYM: I Am Your Master
IWSN: I Want Sex Now
K4Y: Kiss For You
LMIRL: Let’s Meet In Real Life
MOOS: Member Of The Opposite Sex
MOSS: Member(s) Of The Same Sex
NALOPKT: Not A Lot Of People Know That
S2R: Send To Receive
TDTM: Talk Dirty To Me
WIN: Want It Now

It should be noted, these are the most common sexting acronyms if you’re picking up hookers on Craigslist. If you’re attempting to sext any real people, these will not be very effective. Rule of thumb: forcing someone to check Urban Dictionary to understand what you’re saying is not sexy. Ever. Also, kudos to Fox for slipping that “I Am Your Master” thing in there. I was fairly certain after that lesbian bondage debacle, it was taboo for folks on the right to get on the subject of abnormal fetishes.

OK, so they might not be the most creative sayings or abbreviations in the world.

I’ll say.

Then we get some helpful tips on how to sext properly:

Take it slowly. Sexting can quickly go from fun to creepy if you keep it up for too long or escalate too quickly. So, pace yourself and follow your partner’s lead.

You should also mention, during the sexting, that you got your tips from Fox’s website. Few things will impress a lady and be entirely not creepy than telling your lover that you learned how to do this on the internet. Trust me. Also, “follow your partner’s lead” is one of those things that sounds great in practice, is actually a circular dance of awkwardness.

Ask before you text. Don’t surprise someone with a sext until you are sure he or she is into it. That is one mistake that you simply cannot undo.

Um. Listen, uh…guys…while the whole “don’t spring sexy messages on someone” is a good principle in general, please, please, please don’t take this advice literally. “Is it ok if I send you sexy messages and/or pictures?” is the least sexy sentence in the world. Sentences that are actually more sexy than this include:

“Hey, baby, what’s your favorite orifice?”
“I’m still dripping mucus, but I think I’m more or less over this debilitating cold, so, you wanna go or what?”
“We’re having sex or the puppy gets it.”

There. Ok? I did it. I made fun of Fox for being stupid about a technology-related subject. Now can I please go back to making fun of people that aren’t Fox? Come on, tech world. You can be ridiculous on your own. You don’t need Fox’s help.

 

OK, I Don’t Hate Zuckerberg, But This Is Creepy

I went out on a limb and said Mark Zuckerberg was actually not a total douche. Time Magazine has a slightly higher opinion of him. He was just named Time’s Person of the Year. His reward is to get the creepiest of all possible photoshoots.

No smile.

Sullen eyes.

Ominous background.

Go put on the soundtrack to The Day The Earth Stood Still and tell me this photo of Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t make you pee your pants a little.

Google Apologizes For Getting All Up In Your Gmail By Getting All Up In Your Gmail

“Google rarely contacts Gmail users via email, but we are making an exception to let you know that we’ve reached a settlement in a lawsuit regarding Google Buzz” 

I know. You feel bad. But I really just don’t want to talk to you. I broke up with you because you were creepy and went snooping through my email. That was a huge invasion of privacy. I don’t want you to apologize. I want you to leave.

“Shortly after its launch, we heard from a number of people who were concerned about privacy.”

I know. You’ve made great progess. I’m glad you’ve got into rehab. But that doesn’t change what you did. So please. Just leave. I want to move on with my life.

“The settlement acknowledges that we quickly changed the service to address users’ concerns. In addition, Google has committed $8.5 million to an independent fund, most of which will support organizations promoting privacy education and policy on the web.”

You’re not going to win me back. Please. Go away. Leave my house or I’m going to call the police.

“This mandatory announcement was sent to all Gmail users in the United States as part of a legal settlement”

Alright. Fine. Then go back and tell your sponsor you’ve fulfilled your duties or whatever. I’ll say “I forgive you” or whatever I need to do to get you to go. Just please. Go.