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Samsung Releases Continuum, Misses Every Single Point

Samsung held a press conference today. The totally uber-secret subject? The new Verizon Continuum! Why it’s going to be fantastic! Wonderful! Or something!

In all frankness, I don’t think I’ve seen a laundry list of Stuff Wrong With A Phone this long since the Backflip. Alphabetically:

Bing: I’m curious if Samsung has seen the numbers from their Galaxy S phones in a specific light, but from where I’m sitting, the Fascinate, the one Galaxy S phone that doesn’t come with Google preloaded as the default search engine, was widely regarded as the suckiest Galaxy S phone. Samsung responded to public outcry with the response that you would be able to reset Google as the default search engine with the advent of Froyo. Like a child without his security blanket for the first time, Samsung just couldn’t leave that sans-Google-handset hole empty for long.

Eclair: Word on the street is that Samsung is working on the nigh-legendary Nexus Two which is said to be the flagship device for Gingerbread as the N1 was for Eclair (and to a lesser extent, Froyo). Needless to say, when Samsung set aside a date solely for a new Android device, and so shortly after the Gingerbread man showed up at Google HQ (usually an unmistakable sign of a new Android version), it was widely expected that this phone would bring some Gingerbread-y goodness. Or at the very least, whatever it was would ship with Froyo. Something the Galaxy S line has been lacking. No. You will have an Eclair and you will like it!

Second Screen: One has to wonder why, if it’s not the mythical Nexus Two, Samsung decided to host a special event just for this phone. Well, it turns out, this is a unique phone. It has a special addition that no other phone before it has had. A second little screen! You know, for notifications and stuff. And as we all know, if there’s one thing that Android sucks at, if there’s one thing that Android could use a second screen to help fix, it’s their notification management syst-oh. No. Wait. That’s entirely false. This little screen is all but pointless. Well, unless you like to idly check stock prices while you’re watching a full-screen movie on your device. And if that’s the kind of usage you want from your device, boy have you come to the right place, because the 3.4″ screen (smaller than the Evo, smaller than all other Galaxy S phones, smaller than the bloody iPhone for chrissakes) is the perfect size for squinting at movies while squinting harder at text!

Vanity: The biggest problem with the Continuum? It gets its own event. Why. No, there’s not a question mark at the end of that sentence. That implies there’s an answer. There is no good answer for why this average-specced, Bing-ed up, miniscule, outdated, mutant clusterf!#k of a device got it’s own special media event for its announcement.

Interestingly enough, the Continuum was accidentally revealed via the company’s official Twitter channel just prior to the event’s beginning. Much more fitting. Too bad they’d already paid the deposit on the caterer.